Today is our two month anniversary. Emotions are high. Our only Canadian friend here has left this week..and we are lost. Everyone told us that once you hit the two month mark, the reality of what you are doing sinks in. The reality is: we don’t feel like we are making a difference!!!
Here is what we are feeling:
Sad
Lonely
Wanting to come home to Canada
Worried and scared to come back home
To know what is going on at home
Frustrated
Useless
Lost
Confused
Grateful to have each other so we can talk
Ok I know everyone is starting to get really worried after reading these emotions, but this blog is turning into therapy for us. We do have a few reasons why we have been feeling this way. The first is that we have been working hard to prep our lectures and then to deliver them. It takes a long time to prepare for a lecture. At the beginning of our lectures, the students requested that we elaborate in more detail with our notes because they have no textbooks. Now, the students are feeling overwhelmed by the amount of content in the notes and are unsure of what to study (next week is the final exams). On that note, we don’t really know what they are suppose to study either, as there is no nation-wide specific curriculum and we are lacking guidance from our colleagues!
We are stressed because there is only one more week of lectures left for our 2nd year students. We still have so much content to cover, for various reasons. For the past two weeks none of the lecturers have been here, except for us. One day we walked into our class to find the students all sitting there with no teacher, not one teacher had shown up all day to any of the 3 lectures. When we went away, and assigned topics for substitute teachers, none of the topics were covered. Sometimes the teachers will just leave notes for the students and leave it to them to teach themselves. Since no one has been here, we have not had anyone to give us direction. Often we don’t know if the content we are covering is actually what the students really need to know!
We just found out that the results of last year’s licensing exam (equivalent to our nationwide RN exam)..the failure rate was 50% for Lewanika School of Nursing. How does that even happen? This is why we are feeling so frustrated and useless; we just don’t feel like we have enough time here to make a big impact. The problems are so much bigger than just going in and teaching, we see problems with attitudes, motivation and communication. All of these will take time.
Let’s address why we are feeling sad and lonely. First off we just miss the connection of our friends and family back home. We are going to be sad when people are talking about summer of 2008 (Pemberton Festival, the new music, all the new movies/TV shows that came out) and we are so disconnected from it all. So we feel like outsiders. We are also outsiders here as well, as we haven’t grown up in this culture and are feeling disengaged. Sometimes we wish that we could just be black and fit in so we can avoid being a spectacle all the time. It is not always in a negative sense, but when you walk down the street, you know that you are different from everyone around you. Don’t get us wrong, we have met some amazing people that have gone above and beyond welcoming us here. But we miss being able to relate to good ol’ Canadian sarcasm. So what we are trying to express is.. we know that when we get home we won’t feel like we fit in, and we don’t fit in here either, so if someone could just tell us where we belong we would appreciate it!!!!!
We are truly grateful for this experience, and we know we are being just a little bit irrational but that is how the progression of Expat emotion goes. All I can say is thank god for daily power outages that allow for time of reflection. Also, we would be lost without each other and don’t know how someone could do something like this on their own.
love jessica and lianne
8 comments:
Grandad asked me to send you this little note: This is what they are telling the participants in the Olymic Games in Beijing- You may not win any medals as yet, you are doing the best you can. Hold in there and things will go your way. God Bless both of you.
Well my dears glad you are sharing your bad days as well as the good ones. This is all understandable because you are trying so hard at all this new experience. Sad/yes there will be days like this! Lonely/yes you are along way from Home and all that is so familiar but we are there for you both, wishing we could do more to help you. How about ice cream or chocolate!Want to come home/you will but not quite yet. Mom and Dad are coming to visit you.You will feel better after they do and so will they. Worried about coming home/never we will have a big party when you get here. What is going on here in B.C./we are watching the Olymics. Can you get any of this? Frustrated/that's allowed you are trying so hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. Useless/I don't think so. that is for people who sit back and doing nothing "dick". Lost/not really you will get back on the path and in time will find you way again. Confused/That happens to all of us, sometimes it is in the parking lot when you can't remember where you parked the car.It happens quite often especially to us old folks/farts, it is usually young people like yourselves that bring us around and brighten our days. and last of all Yes! You have each other to talk to since you both understand and are experiencing the same problems. Maybe Sister Christina will make you some scones. Tomorrow will be a new days and after a good nights sleep things will look brighter. As always we are so glad to hear from you, always we are with you in our hearts> Love from Nannie & Grandad xxx ooo. Can I send you mail????
Jessica and Lianne,
Luc and I know exactly how you feel as we felt the same thing. The honeymoon stage of it all has passed and now what's left is homesickness and other sad feelings. It will pass. I know the feeling of being gawked at constantly; every move we make and how we look is scrutinized here. You guys are doing a most amzing thing being there, teaching. I'm so jealous of the experiences you are having. Christmas time is going to be an insane homecoming - you two, and us two. We're going to have so many pictures and stories to tell!
Its curious .. you two are working so hard to teach your pupils on the other side of the world, and from here its apparent that they appreciate having the opportunity to learn from your experiences. What may not be so apparent that your story is inspirational to everyone else that is following your blog, and that your efforts have far reaching benefits that you may not see.
Stand tall .. you can both be proud of your work, and know that you are making an enormous difference in the lives of everyone around you!
not make a differance...i don't think so! It's there in their eyes.see the taxi driver that was helped in his last few weeks by you guys using hom whenever possible, so that he could feel that he was providing for his family. see the students who would be alone in their classrooms[many days] except for you guys. see your bus driver who would live his life as nobody[you have told his story tohundreds if not thousands of people and now he will never be a nobody again. sister christina moved people around to keep you there...that's how much she believed in you. the eyes of the children never lie... from a simple smile, hug or tatoo..they won't forget. and neither will we, who live for your blogs each day.you are our soldiers of peace, our angels of mercy, and we love you endlessly.....mom
Dear Jessica and Lianne,
My heart broke for you guys when I read how you have been feeling lately.
I can especially relate to your feelings of frustration in the classroom. Not that I've ever taught in a foreign country/continent before, but I have been a teacher for 28 years and want to impart a wee bit of wisdom (if you can call it that) to help you feel a tiny bit better.
Even though you feel pressured to cram in the curriculum before the exam, and you worry that your students are not prepared, please know that your students have learned a LOT from you. It sounds as if you are working harder than anyone else in the program.
Also, the biggest impact you will ever have on a student does not come from the curriculum. It is who you are as a human being, your humanity, that has the biggest influence on them. Because I know you as compassionate, caring, fun-loving, smart and adventurous women....I also know it is those qualities that have affected your students to a great degree.
Trust me, they are learning from you. I think you'll be surprised when the exam results are posted. And if the results are disappointing, know in your heart that you gave them your best. And don't forget the learner has a huge responsibility in all of this too. Not just the teacher.
As for the unorganized ways of doing things, you probably have little influence over all of that. Things change very, very slowly. If at all.
Please be gentle on yourselves.
You two are knocking my socks off back here in Canada as I sit on my ample backside not doing anything remotely as amazing as you two. I am proud to call you my friends and I am constantly bragging about you to everyone I know.
All of your friends and family are holding you close in their hearts.
Lots of love,
Nancy
PS
I laughed out loud when I read the word 'dick' in Nannie Irene's comment. I love that woman.
I forgot to say this in my earlier post:
Not only are you two making a difference in everyone's lives in Zambia, you are making a difference to everyone who reads your blog! Your words are having a positive effect around the world. The ripples are reaching far beyond Africa, far beyond Canada...
You two are citizens of the world. You belong everywhere.
Ahhh... my girls...here's the irony of it all... those exact same feelings are felt by so many sitting at home on their couches... Frustrated that they don't have more "stuff"... lonely, even when they are surrounded by family and friends, sad because they don't feel fulfilled in their lifes work/choices, useless because truly the things they are focussing all their attention on are not making them happy, confused because they are surrounded in so much "stuff" and so many people and so many blessings and are still unfufilled... You are feeling those feelings while doing what so many of us envy. You are making a difference. Don't you forget for one moment that the simple things you are missing aren't going anywhere. When you return home you will be able to catch up on reruns, see pictures of Pemberton (there will be another large music festival for you to attend), celebrate with your family, eat all the fruit to go's you can handle, gossip with your girlfriends... this will all still be here (yes kids may have gotten older.. but don't you worry they hear enough about Lianne and Jessica that they aren't forgetting anything!)... however, you would never have been able to do the things you are doing there from here... giving hope to children (that so desperately need it), sharing your knowledge and expertise with future nurses who will carry on your teachings in their own careers (nothing like paying it forward), teaching basketball skills to little ones that will never forget the experience, teaching english to a man and helping fufill his life's dream, delivering a baby (filled with promise and hope), working at an AIDS clinic and sharing a smile with a young child who's life is in turmoil, simply being present in a country that so desperately needs it... you girls in the midst of all those feelings are DOING something that makes a difference in countless numbers of lives. You are feeling very real feelings (and I'm so impressed that you are willing to talk about them, your mom is right a good cry sometimes cures it all.. so can a good "vent" to friends and family)... but what you are giving to others while you are there is the exact opposite... Hope, Belonging, Knowledge, Acceptance, Happiness, Ease, Purpose... Not only are you helping others there.. but you are lighting a fire under the bottoms of us here... to make a difference... to live our lives with meaning... to realize that we are called as a nation to pass our blessings on and appreciate all the incredible things we are surrounded in. Know that when you return you will be leaving a legacy that will last a lifetime. Every person you touch, every lesson you teach, every basketball that is bounced is making a difference. Those heartprints cannot be erased. So I promise life here will be waiting for you when you return and I look forward to hearing about not only how you changed but sharing with you how you changed us back home!
Tons of love,
Kristi (and clan!)
Hello you two... my heart breaks to hear of your sadness and frustrations. I remember all too well the feelings of helplessness and how overwhelming they can become. But I do also remember how when I would least expect it, the smallest accomplishment or unanticipated encounter would make a world of difference in both my own personal feelings and of those around you.
I am glad you have each other there... Always keep in mind, we are thinking of you both, and we are so proud of the accomplishments (big and small) you are making!
Thanks for posting all your stories, feelings, and experiences. They are wonderful to read.
All our love,
Brad and Christy
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